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20121106
20121106
Search Results 0 to 8 of about 9 (some duplicates have been removed)
">÷>cvbv:púpcq that's our show. join us tomorrow night live election coverage at 11:00 here and my final message before that would be, please vote. i know there are people here in the tri-state region that are struggling with the basic necessities. they're going to work their asses off to try and get to the polls. you should too. here it is your moment of zen >> don't boo. vote. ( cheers and applause ) vote. voting is the best revenge >> revenge is a dish best servedded cold, they say. i think he's going to have a captioning sp (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. >> stephen, steph captioning sponsored by comedy central stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: good to have you with us, ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) folks, it is no secret, it is absolutely no secret why there is electricity in the air tonight. nation, it is election eve. just hours left in the 2012 campaign. both camp dats-- can dats are pulling out all the stops. >> here is the president's final two day, florida, new hampshire, colorado, ohio, wisconsin and
. thank you. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, thank you for joining us. i don't -- folks -- i don't know if can tell with a just happened but i just got buried underneath an avalanche of love. [cheers and applause] a love-alanch, will you will. nation, tonight was the big vice presidential debate between joe biden and paul ryan in danville, kentucky. the whoop-ass in the blue grass, the bare-knucky in kentucky. [ laughter ] now, i haven't seen it yet. nor will i ever. it's a vice presidential debate. [ laughter ] but for the record, i'm betting -- i know what who is going to win because the key to winning one of these debates is to lower expectations about your speaking skills. and biden's been doing that for four years. [ laughter ] plus he's gonna win. because the liberal media fix is in. >> critics raising concerns about the moderator in tomorrow's vice-presidential clear political bias. it turns out president obama attended abc correspondent martha raddatz first wedding back in 1991. this thing goes deep, folks. [ laughter ] 21 years ago barack obama attended debate modera
. that. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much. why. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. please. ( cheering ) nation, thank you, everybody. please, sit down. now, folks, i don't know if you watched it, but last night, the mindless mobs got together again to pander to the youth and congratulate each other on slowly destroying the moral fabric of america. ( laughter ) but what do you expect? it was the vmas. ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, i don't know about you-- ( cheers and applause ) i don't upon about you, but i am outraged that all-american band and friend of the report, fun, was beaten out last night for best new artist by the british boy band, one direction. folks, i don't want a bunch of snagle-toothed, spotted dick-eating union jackoffs telling america the number of directions we can go in. ( cheers and applause ). but i will give them this-- their song "what makes you beautiful" isn't just catchy. it's got a great message.
that were just not accurate. >> mitt romney presented with us the ultimate etch-a-sketch behavior last night. >> romney has been accused of etch-a-sketch. last night was his greatest achievement. >> stephen: let me show you just how great an achievement it was. before the debate, mitt's campaign said romney will come across as empathetic. but here's what mitt has been promising for the last two years. >> tax cuts for the wealthiest americans. how do you make that seem warm and fuzzy? well, you just need to shake it up as hard as mitt did last night. >> so-- give it a shot. okay. (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) now let's see what mitt's tax plan looks like now. okay? just need to get my tool here. okay. here we go. (cheers and applause) presto changeo. (laughter) now you see romney's policies, now you don't. we'll be right back. "k"kxf,x >> welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. folks, if you watch the show you know that i have been fighting all year to stamp out voter fraud. because if even one fraud center shows up at the polls in november that would tarnish the
"stephen") >> stephen: welcome to the "report." thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us in here out there. i'm sure you can tell by that chanting this crowd has gotten c oshslbmentum. (laughter) ladies and gentlemen, last night was the third and final presidential debate. it threw much-need attention to two key domestic issues, "monday night football" and the national league championship. (laughter) as you remember, folks, the first debate was a blowout win for romney. the second debate-- also happened. (laughter) so let's get the truth of night three in "stephen colbert's debate 2012 coverage." two men, one wheel. who gets to drive us over the cliff? (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) these people are huge fans of buick. (laughter) i was so excited because last night was officially the foreign policy debate. unfortunately-- and i do not know this-- that means you have to talk about a lot of other stupid countries. (laughter) and this being boca raton, florida, they hit all the important ones. >> israel is a true friend, it is our greatest ally in the
thank you, ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us! please, everybody, please. good to have you with us and, folks, it is good to be back. first of all i'm okay. (laughter) how's everybody here? everybody okay? (cheers and applause) full disclosure: this isn't actually my audience. we're actually one ago shelter tonight. (laughter) most of these people are just here to recharge their iphones. (cheers and applause) and to take a bum shower in the bathroom sink. (laughter) little gamey. because we have all come through one hell of a storm, folks. of course, our thoughts and prayers are with the 60 million americans throughout 20 states who have been hit by hurricane sandy. this record surge has devastated communities from north carolina to maine. 62 people at least have died. power station explosions and downed lines have left eight million people without electricity-- including new york city below 39th street. in new jersey, the national guard has been sent in to rescue more than 20,000 trapped hoboken residents. 100 homes burned to the ground in breezy point, queens. the lar
. >> thank you so much. >> thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. folks, good to have you with us. hey, hey, let me ask you something, everybody see that debate last night? butn't that great? i mean, romney clearly won. and, folks, i am not just saying that, i am saying that on tv. so if you're an undecided voter who did not watch, just trust me, it is 2 and 0. even though, even though, folks, the night was clearly stacked against mitt. after that first debate debacle, barack obama had definitely won the low expectations game. >> for obama the bar is rather low, compared to the first debate all he has to do is string a few sentences together, coherently to make eye contact with a single extentient human and show the slightest animation in his face. >> colbert: charles kraut hammer is right, low bar, obama's last debate performance was so bad .. that bar was set at charles kraut hammer. >> now, mitt, on the other hand, mitt, mitt romney, much greater challenge. >> we are told that they have practiced to such a level of detail that he even was preparing how he sits and there is a good reaso
Search Results 0 to 8 of about 9 (some duplicates have been removed)